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“I played the part in Call of Duty where they give you three...”
— Beau Sia (paid us a surprise...

guess not, then.

No sarcasm whatsoever

Random guy: Are you Mallory?
Me: Yes, hi!
Random guy: Are you friends with Reni Lane?
Me: Yeah, she's one of my really good friends, actually. How did you know that?
Random guy: I saw you on her Top 8 on Myspace

“I want to rip off your logic and make passionate sense to...”

Spotted: hundreds of beautiful girls and three ugly ones.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

On being omniscient: Got jeepered creepered and removed the tracker. On being psychic: Now I...

I’m going to win your money and use it to purchase an...

kristenbarry: haha this is real. i saw it on tv!

“In a couple years people will look back and realize,...”
— Peter Berkman (is holding a...

Fun phone jokes you can make with your...

Ashley: I thought it was just a big crowded party.
Me: Nah, now there's some weird instrumental happenings and an asian shouting "Obama"
Ashley: <insert joke about Pierce loving asians here>
Me: But this one was a man <insert joke about Pierce loving men here>
Ashley: hahaha <insert penis>
Me: <>
Ashley:
Me: (that one was a vagina-- you can insert whatever you want.)

Everyone's favorite pornstar Sasha Grey and I...

Mamihlapinatapai

You've Got Mail

I think Justin and Marissa just cast Patrick and Camille’s e-lationship into the fiery flames...

Realized this is how I look 33% of each day.

No More Long Years - Matt & Kim Anthem

“Every time I comb my hair thoughts of you get in my eyes”
— Prince (via fatalistichues)...

My best friend Hayden secretly went to Spain with her girlfriend at the end of the summer and just...

“Oh so youre single now? Because I will Dennis Rodman the...”
— Charlie

Yes, I keep them in a doggy bag.

Charlie: I used to take dog pills to clear up my face.
Me: I take birth control
Charlie: For dogs?

“I was at dinner with Brad Neely, my celebrity crush, and I...”
— My friend.

Dakota Fanning is

an avid reader, and includes among her hobbies knitting, swimming, piano, violin, ballet, and...

gpoyw (shaking what my mother provided me with at...

"Trunk-aided" Conversation

Me: If it's not about elephants it's ireelephant
Jesse: The most powerful weapon we have is the elephant of surprise

SET AND THE CITY: FREUD’S INFLUENCE ON THE PSYCHOANALYTIC CONNOTATIONS OF THE CINEMATIC...

(via nonpareilofjulia) Dear girl who posted this, Where...

“Yo. I’m at dinner with Asher Roth right now and we...”
— so in luv

So your cat wants a massage? You don’t need a swimming pool for this breast stroke!

"haven't you heard, nerd?"

Guy who sits down next to me at a house party: Hey, I'm Edan.
Me: No shit! Edan! There's a rapper I really like with that name!
Edan: That's me.
Me: Oh no, this guy's famous.
Edan: Yeah. I think you're talking about me.

NYMag collage of Fight Night at the Javits

“Among Dreams” Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti

(via juliasegal)

On Thursday, I learned how to juggle. Sort of.

Does She Love You?

Question: How do I know if a girl loves me or not?
Answer: If one night you go out drinking and end up back at her place, pass out together on the bed with your shoes on, and wake up a few hours later only to discover that you’ve peed the bed, which she takes in stride, changes the sheets, and then the next morning has a laugh about it, later leaves some pamphlets from the local health clinic about child bedwetters in your mailbox, and eventually after a few weeks tells your friends but never, ever tells hers: She loves you.

In an effort to get people to look into each other’s eyes...

“I wanna fuck up the difference between tai chi and chai tea...”
— Derrick Brown

“How-to Eat Sushi” A tuna-in-cheek etiquette guide. Har har.

“You know what your problem is, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You’re...”
— Breakfast at Tiffany’s (via...

In which the Bowery Electric gets turned...

Me: I cant get to the bar- it's futile.
Parker: They've got a feudal system over there?
Me: Yeah, it's hard to get serf'ed.

petervidani: I love The Truman Show. This is a shot of...

New times

Robin: All the new buildings here are made of styrofoam
Me: It's a softer world
Robin: No, its a flimsy, cheap world that falls apart at the first sign of danger

via soupsoup, from his favorite baseball movie, making this my 2nd Susan Sarandon post in a row: ...

biological clocks

Nick: You realize all of your friends are older. Why is that?
Me: I guess. I dont know- Ive worked a lot more than most people my age, been in "the real world" a little bit longer?
Nick: Who do you think is more mature- me or you?
Me: you.
Nick: Probably me because I gave you a rasberry on your stomach earlier.

youngmanhattanite: Susan Sarandon - “Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me” (I won’t even try to explain...

Takers?

Rachel: Mallory, at our 10 year reunion I know I'm going to show up with a small, questionably gay Jewish guy
Me: Me too
Rachel: Yes but you're small and Jewish. I'm a 5'million'' aryan who likes the rich, jewish, I-was-a-really-big-loser-in-high school look on a boy

My favorite eat-spot, Lovely Day, reopened!

A photo of vogueadventure taken by Noah K Now come down off...

My real costume, though, was “Lonely Hearts...

With Ben as Christmas I was to assert the role of...

Christopher Walken does dramatic reading of Lady GaGa’s “Poker Face”

Bon Iver, “Skinny Love” Been singing in the shower lately and loudly, which isn’t...

ronen-v: Mallory sees me. (ft. Pete Berkman of...

HEY! Let's Rage

amandalynferri: Hey Dudes, Thanks for coming out last night and raging your faces off, seriously,...